Handle it.

A few days ago I had a conversation with one of my close friends. After going through a really crazy battle with my head lately, he tried to give me a really nice piece of advice. It was so simple yet so earth shattering to my nineteen-year-old self. 

"No matter how hard it gets, you gotta stick your chest out. You gotta handle it. Nothing is going to make you feel better for a while and that's okay, you just gotta handle it."

It really hit home to me because I have trouble finding my own buried advice sometimes. I give really good advice (and let's be honest, like most people) I don't follow it. Ever.
So it was nice to have a friend I can truly open up to. I hate being vulnerable but to deny the fact that I can be very vulnerable would mean I have to deny the truth. And it's no way to live your life if you're living a lie. Self inflicted delusion is never okay. It's so difficult to organise my thoughts therapeutically because I'm trying really hard to avoid thinking about it. I couldn't even write about the good times at the time they were happening because I didn't want to breathe in case I ruined anything. And now I don't want to write about them because they'll make me cry. 
And crying sucks sometimes.
Especially at three in the morning, when it's cold and your cats are asleep and there are no other beating hearts around to wipe your tears and tell you that you're handling this in your own way and that is more than okay.

Handle it. That's all I need to do.